OOPSIE DOOPSIE

I suppose I should start out with the whole mom disclaimer. You know how it goes:

Before I go any further, I want you to know that I love my little beans to the moon and back. My little girl is my world and yadda yadda yadda.

Okay, duh. We LOVE our kids. Of course we do. I never have a doubt in my mind about the immense amount of love and respect I have for my little being. It’s immeasurable. Her father and I were awakened 100x over when she was ushered in on that early morning in September 2012.

However…

I remember reading a few baby books, talking to a few ladies, taking advice from relatives, discussing situations with my doctors and all I can say is…

They left out a few things.

And here they are…

*Just a friendly warning – you know what you might be getting into…

01. Okay, stop pushing now, we need to wait for the doctor, said my nurse after I was pushing for 40 minutes. Madeline was ready. She was “here”, but the doctor was still on her way. What did I do? Um, well, after 36 hours and 40 minutes of labor, I grinned and just tried to bare it…for another 15 minutes. Seriously?? #ICant

02. Random and unforeseen things can happen. We were never able to have hospital pics taken of our sweet Mads. The day that we were supposed to take her home, we couldn’t. She was transferred to another hospital and placed in the NICU for a week. She was put in one of those plastic boxes, one that you never really want to see your child in, and whisked away by an ambulance and a team of specialists. I was sitting there in a wheelchair, waiting for a car, with all of her things. She’s perfectly healthy now, but leaving a hospital after you gave birth without your newborn…it’s the most difficult experience.

03. Lactation consultants. I breastfed our daughter and even I suffered the wrath of that which comes from a lactation consultant. They are angels, I’m sure, but holy moses. I had two. First was a dream, but then came the milk nazis. I could NOT handle her. Nope. Hand on this, arm over this, face all up in here. No. Let me try to do my thing with my little lady. We will definitely call on you when help is needed…please?

04. There will be blood. For what seems a lifetime after that little beautiful creature enters the world. But it’s not just that. It’s the entire goody [duffle] bag they supply you with for the trip home…to take care of “it”. How do we survive this? It’s magical. We are the unicorns, ladies.

05. Tears. Oh, the tears. You can’t escape them. And it’s not from the beautiful site of watching your loving husband hold the most beautiful baby on the face of the planet. Oh, no. It’s because the mail came an hour late. Or maybe the store sold the last can of chicken broth. Perhaps it’s because your slipper magically disappeared to the other side of the room. Oh, wait, no. It’s because you don’t remember how to turn on the cable.

06. Memory? What’s that? Baby brain is a real thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve misplaced my keys, purse, phone, bottles…mind…in the past year. No worries, it starts to come back…eventually. And you’ll finally remember why you wanted to have this little joy in the first place.

07. Nobody is good enough to hold that baby let alone watch him/her. Get this – it took me weeks to let my mama [the babe’s grandmother] to watch her for more than 15 minutes. I remember during my maternity leave, my mom came over for a bit to visit and just watch Mads while I would rest/do chores/get out of the house/whatever. Starbucks was calling my name, but that was the FASTEST trip I have ever made. Oh, and my mom? She’s been a teacher for over 40 years and she’s a rockstar of a parent, so yeah, of course I had reason to worry, said no sane person ever.

08. Possessive much?? It was just her and me. She was my world, still is, but I claimed her as mine…all mine…for a long time. In fact, during my entire maternity leave, I wanted her all to myself. Oh goodness. It was the most exhausting experience, but never did I have a need to just be with someone so bad. Okay, maybe one other person…like her dad. 🙂

09. Bassinet to crib. I needed therapy. Okay, not really. But that shit is tough! Letting her venture out into the world, er, outside the confines of your bedroom to a land all her own. Are you kidding me? She might be ready and just loving it, but me? No.

10. Crib to thinking back to bassinet. I needed therapy. Are you kidding me? What was I thinking? This sleeping through the night, all night, and spending quality time with the hubbs is the bee’s knees! And this happens a lot as time goes on – thinking back on those moments that tore my heart out but are now the proudest and happy moments of our lives.

11. Baby nails. You need to keep those suckers manicured. Oh, my goodness. Those suckers are sharp. [I know for a fact that my hubbs is still nursing a cut ;)] But don’t use those clippers – get those tiny scissors. For one, those clippers are sharp, sister. Ick. Second, the scissors can work for other things, like a foil cutter on a wine bottle. Just sayin.

12. Spit up or throw-up? Yes, there’s a difference but I’ll be damned if I could tell the difference in the beginning. Now, no problem. Just remember mama – you’ll be the one cleaning it up in the beginning so just pick which one you want it to be and go with that story. The real question you want to ask yourself – do you want others to hold the baby immediately afterwards? If so, go with spit-up. They will be less timid 😉

13. Family. They may hover in the beginning. Get over it. Let them hover and let them continue to hover. Let them watch the baby, play, spend time with him/her and develop that special relationship.

14. Date nights? Oh, yeah, those. Well, they still exist but they don’t occur at the drop of a hat anymore, do they? A little bit of advanced planning needs to happen. And I’m not talking about the baby. Babysitter and [overnight] diaper bag? CHECK! The real question is where can mommy and daddy go to get in enough trouble but be back in time to slowly unwind, relax and spend that quality time together? Oh, that’s right. At home. There’s something to be said for just stealing those few moments together just the two of you at home. (Don’t worry – you can have nights out of the house too! You might just like home a bit more, though.)

15. Baby talk does not stop. And I’m not talking about goo-goo gaa-gaa. I’m talking about, “So, when’s the second?” [WHAA? Dude, I just popped out this gorgeous life form and you’re saying this isn’t enough? Hold the phone.] True story. One baby will most likely not satisfy the masses. That’s okay. You may not be ready for the next. And that’s okay. Just be prepared, once you pop, it might be hard for them to stop!

16. Time, in general, is at a premium. One thing that hubbs and I pride ourselves on is our level of efficiency. Man, not a minute is wasted. Well, maybe some, but that’s because we want it that way. We have our partnership down to a science, sensing when the other needs help or what the next step will be that evening. With 1 part balance + 1 part mind-reading + 1 part patience + 1 part love + 1 part giggles, we make up a whole lotta crazy awesome.

17. It’s the best. Through the horror stories of babies pooping in the tub or licking carts in the grocery stores [oh, yeah, those are TRUE, all true], one thing is for sure. It is the most fulfilling feeling in the world being someone’s mom [or dad]. For us, we are a threesome, and we depend on each other for everything. We wouldn’t change it for the world. Sure, adjustments are made and our lil world is ever evolving, but that’s okay. We welcome it with open arms.

For those of you without the lil ones, hope I didn’t frighten you too much. And for those that are navigating through this parental experience, what did I miss???

Linking up with Jessica from Pig and Dac for The Blogger’s Digest. Check it out!

Looking for more? Check out 10 MORE Things They Didn’t Tell Us